Unexpected Emotion

Lately I've been reconnecting with people from my past via facebook.com. For whatever reason I initiated contact with two men who were once family.

My first marriage ended unexpectedly for reasons that don't matter to me any more. What does matter is that I am faced with an opportunity to establish new friendships on new terms.

However, in order to do that I had to own up to something that had eaten at me for years.

After more than a year of not knowing where my spouse was I tried to follow through on my threat to file divorce if he didn't come back. In order to do that I needed to find him. By chance I ran into his brother and asked him if he knew. He promptly answered then questioned why I wanted to know. I did not expect the reaction to my response. Frankly, I didn't even think of how my question would affect him. He said he felt like a Judas; that he betrayed his brother. To this day I have felt guilt for that and only now have I apologized for my actions.

My heart is breaking at the thought that he could potentially not forgive me; that's his choice. I only hope he does forgive me.

However, at the same time my heart is overwhelmed with gladness because the one who had hurt me so long ago; the one I forgave years before now, apologized.

At first I thought no big deal; it's all in the past. But now that it's sunk in, those simple words, "I never intended to hurt you." Have given me such a sense of freedom and peace.

I only hope and pray that my joy will be complete as the man who once was my brother, who I admire and cherish probably more than he'll ever know chooses to either accept or deny my apology.