No I'm not lamenting the fact that I just turned 30. I am actually lamenting the fact that I have reached the point in my life where I must give notice before leaving a job I absolutely HATE. I've been treated poorly for too long; lack respect towards my boss; and have lost complete motivation to do anything constructive - yet I sit here. Counting the minutes until the day is done.
I wish I could just leave and never come back. Now I've been asked to attend a luncheon for a co-worker who won't even talk to me. The usual excitement that wells up inside of me for a free meal at a posh restaurant is no where to be found. I know I'll be asked to forward the phones to my cell phone and answer calls during lunch.
Well, I guess in the end I can be proud of myself. I held my head high and left with integrity. Good thing there's a long weekend coming up - one less day that I have to endure this horrible place.
Tuesday, 26 June 2007
Wednesday, 13 June 2007
Unexpected Emotion
Lately I've been reconnecting with people from my past via facebook.com. For whatever reason I initiated contact with two men who were once family.
My first marriage ended unexpectedly for reasons that don't matter to me any more. What does matter is that I am faced with an opportunity to establish new friendships on new terms.
However, in order to do that I had to own up to something that had eaten at me for years.
After more than a year of not knowing where my spouse was I tried to follow through on my threat to file divorce if he didn't come back. In order to do that I needed to find him. By chance I ran into his brother and asked him if he knew. He promptly answered then questioned why I wanted to know. I did not expect the reaction to my response. Frankly, I didn't even think of how my question would affect him. He said he felt like a Judas; that he betrayed his brother. To this day I have felt guilt for that and only now have I apologized for my actions.
My heart is breaking at the thought that he could potentially not forgive me; that's his choice. I only hope he does forgive me.
However, at the same time my heart is overwhelmed with gladness because the one who had hurt me so long ago; the one I forgave years before now, apologized.
At first I thought no big deal; it's all in the past. But now that it's sunk in, those simple words, "I never intended to hurt you." Have given me such a sense of freedom and peace.
I only hope and pray that my joy will be complete as the man who once was my brother, who I admire and cherish probably more than he'll ever know chooses to either accept or deny my apology.
My first marriage ended unexpectedly for reasons that don't matter to me any more. What does matter is that I am faced with an opportunity to establish new friendships on new terms.
However, in order to do that I had to own up to something that had eaten at me for years.
After more than a year of not knowing where my spouse was I tried to follow through on my threat to file divorce if he didn't come back. In order to do that I needed to find him. By chance I ran into his brother and asked him if he knew. He promptly answered then questioned why I wanted to know. I did not expect the reaction to my response. Frankly, I didn't even think of how my question would affect him. He said he felt like a Judas; that he betrayed his brother. To this day I have felt guilt for that and only now have I apologized for my actions.
My heart is breaking at the thought that he could potentially not forgive me; that's his choice. I only hope he does forgive me.
However, at the same time my heart is overwhelmed with gladness because the one who had hurt me so long ago; the one I forgave years before now, apologized.
At first I thought no big deal; it's all in the past. But now that it's sunk in, those simple words, "I never intended to hurt you." Have given me such a sense of freedom and peace.
I only hope and pray that my joy will be complete as the man who once was my brother, who I admire and cherish probably more than he'll ever know chooses to either accept or deny my apology.
Monday, 11 June 2007
Friendship & Blessings
I had an email exchange with someone about how we both learned what it really meant to be a 'friend' through very difficult experiences. This discussion prompted me to take a look at dictionary.com and find out what it had to say about the word "friend". Some examples are, "a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile" and "A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts".
But how do you really know someone? Especially when people seem to continually try to hide their true selves?
A wise man once told me that if you find three true friends in your life, ones who will be with you no matter what you do or is done to you, you are truly blessed. However, in order to have that sort of friendship, you must first be that type of person. I heard these words when I was in grade 7 and have since tried to live my life as a true friend to others.
It's not easy. People can actually get freaked out from kindness in a world where everyone is out for themselves. It is assumed that your kindness comes with ulterior motives. I've been accused of trying to buy people's friendship with random acts of kindness (crazy hey?). What I've learned though is that a person can not truly love and care for another until they love and care for themselves without conceit. If someone doesn't love themselves for who they truly are, they will never be able to fully appreciate the loving kindness of someone who does.
Another life lesson I've had is that distance doesn't mean the end. One of my closest friends, someone who REALLY knows me, I only talk to every couple months. We've had many good times and some really harsh times but after we got over ourselves, we forgave, forgot and moved on in life supporting each other through good and bad. When I'm in need, I know she's only a phone call away and will do whatever she can to help me through my struggle; and vice versa. She never reprimands me for not calling more often, but has been known to reprimand me for not calling before things got so far out of hand. I would do anything for her and know that she would do anything for me.
Having met many people in life I have come to realize that not all siblings have a sense of friendship. I've experienced siblings that truly hate each other; that physically harmed each other with knives on a regular basis. It's strange to think this sort of family exists when even my cousins and I are close friends. I don't know where I'd be in life without my brother. Colin has proven that when I've needed him, he's there. He has been the one I gone to for wisdom and advice for years, even decades. I have so many good memories with him. He truly is more than my brother; he is my friend.
Then there is my husband...what's interesting about our friendship is that we have different beliefs. As a Christian I was always told not to date a non-believer. Because of this I had immense guilt and I tried to end our relationship when we were still dating - twice. So why did I marry him? Simple. He loves me for who I am. This includes my beliefs as they are so deeply ingrained in who I am that to ask me to not go to church or not hang out with other Christians would be asking me to change from the one he loves to someone else. I can honestly say that I have never been loved like this before and have found a happiness that I never knew existed.
That wise man in grade 7 was right. Three true friends and you are fully blessed. But I have far more than these three blessings and know I will have far more blessings in the future.
But how do you really know someone? Especially when people seem to continually try to hide their true selves?
A wise man once told me that if you find three true friends in your life, ones who will be with you no matter what you do or is done to you, you are truly blessed. However, in order to have that sort of friendship, you must first be that type of person. I heard these words when I was in grade 7 and have since tried to live my life as a true friend to others.
It's not easy. People can actually get freaked out from kindness in a world where everyone is out for themselves. It is assumed that your kindness comes with ulterior motives. I've been accused of trying to buy people's friendship with random acts of kindness (crazy hey?). What I've learned though is that a person can not truly love and care for another until they love and care for themselves without conceit. If someone doesn't love themselves for who they truly are, they will never be able to fully appreciate the loving kindness of someone who does.
Another life lesson I've had is that distance doesn't mean the end. One of my closest friends, someone who REALLY knows me, I only talk to every couple months. We've had many good times and some really harsh times but after we got over ourselves, we forgave, forgot and moved on in life supporting each other through good and bad. When I'm in need, I know she's only a phone call away and will do whatever she can to help me through my struggle; and vice versa. She never reprimands me for not calling more often, but has been known to reprimand me for not calling before things got so far out of hand. I would do anything for her and know that she would do anything for me.
Having met many people in life I have come to realize that not all siblings have a sense of friendship. I've experienced siblings that truly hate each other; that physically harmed each other with knives on a regular basis. It's strange to think this sort of family exists when even my cousins and I are close friends. I don't know where I'd be in life without my brother. Colin has proven that when I've needed him, he's there. He has been the one I gone to for wisdom and advice for years, even decades. I have so many good memories with him. He truly is more than my brother; he is my friend.
Then there is my husband...what's interesting about our friendship is that we have different beliefs. As a Christian I was always told not to date a non-believer. Because of this I had immense guilt and I tried to end our relationship when we were still dating - twice. So why did I marry him? Simple. He loves me for who I am. This includes my beliefs as they are so deeply ingrained in who I am that to ask me to not go to church or not hang out with other Christians would be asking me to change from the one he loves to someone else. I can honestly say that I have never been loved like this before and have found a happiness that I never knew existed.
That wise man in grade 7 was right. Three true friends and you are fully blessed. But I have far more than these three blessings and know I will have far more blessings in the future.
Sunday, 10 June 2007
Unexpected emotion
This weekend has been full of reconnecting and catching up with people from the recent past and very distant past. What started as a way to get in touch with someone I missed, turned into a very touching and emotional discovery of the inner beauty of someone I have spent a lot of time with but never really knew thus causing an unexpected time of growth.
It's hard to describe how I feel right now. I've gone through a number of emotions, shed lots of tears and am still a bit enraged.
Enraged at human behaviour, especially that of those who call themselves Christians yet choose to judge someone for not being perfect.
In my mind, to be "Christian" is to be Christ-like and it was Christ who said "he who is without sin cast the first stone" when challenged by the Sadducees regarding punishment for sinning.
What's weird about being enraged is that the one who has been judged hurt someone very dear to me; but at the same time I know is hurting greatly. Probably hurting more than we'll ever understand. It's easy to help the one that has been wronged but I feel compelled to reach out to the one I don't even really know.
I'm not perfect. I've judged. I've also been judged; harshly. Growing up I was very misunderstood by many of the people I spent my youth with. People who I cherished. It's another reason why this weekend has been very emotional. Life has finally taken me to the point where I can contact people who have hurt me in the past, reach out to them and move past the pain that has been harboured in my heart for so many years and love them.
For those who don't know me - I was the odd one out. I didn't want to conform to anything around me. All I wanted was to love and be loved; play basketball; and hang out with my friends. I dressed differently; listened to different music; and hung out with a variety of people. I was not one for clicks.
That's not to say I strove to be different; I simply wanted to be 100% me. Pure and simple. I tried hard not to be anyone but me, at a time when acceptance was often the most sought after aspect of life for teens.
It's an interesting feeling of release that has washed over me. I have been reminded who I truly am and why I live life the way I do. I believe in honesty, love and acceptance. I try to find the truth in according to God not man. I am by far the "ideal Christian" - if that even exists. I simply try to be Christ-like within the fallacies of human nature.
I want to thank Shoe Junkie for sharing the truth despite the pain. When we share are bad times with others it not only helps to overcome the consequences we face but it unexpectedly helps those around you. In your struggles I have found strength to face that which has restricted me from moving forward in my journey
til' next time...
It's hard to describe how I feel right now. I've gone through a number of emotions, shed lots of tears and am still a bit enraged.
Enraged at human behaviour, especially that of those who call themselves Christians yet choose to judge someone for not being perfect.
In my mind, to be "Christian" is to be Christ-like and it was Christ who said "he who is without sin cast the first stone" when challenged by the Sadducees regarding punishment for sinning.
What's weird about being enraged is that the one who has been judged hurt someone very dear to me; but at the same time I know is hurting greatly. Probably hurting more than we'll ever understand. It's easy to help the one that has been wronged but I feel compelled to reach out to the one I don't even really know.
I'm not perfect. I've judged. I've also been judged; harshly. Growing up I was very misunderstood by many of the people I spent my youth with. People who I cherished. It's another reason why this weekend has been very emotional. Life has finally taken me to the point where I can contact people who have hurt me in the past, reach out to them and move past the pain that has been harboured in my heart for so many years and love them.
For those who don't know me - I was the odd one out. I didn't want to conform to anything around me. All I wanted was to love and be loved; play basketball; and hang out with my friends. I dressed differently; listened to different music; and hung out with a variety of people. I was not one for clicks.
That's not to say I strove to be different; I simply wanted to be 100% me. Pure and simple. I tried hard not to be anyone but me, at a time when acceptance was often the most sought after aspect of life for teens.
It's an interesting feeling of release that has washed over me. I have been reminded who I truly am and why I live life the way I do. I believe in honesty, love and acceptance. I try to find the truth in according to God not man. I am by far the "ideal Christian" - if that even exists. I simply try to be Christ-like within the fallacies of human nature.
I want to thank Shoe Junkie for sharing the truth despite the pain. When we share are bad times with others it not only helps to overcome the consequences we face but it unexpectedly helps those around you. In your struggles I have found strength to face that which has restricted me from moving forward in my journey
til' next time...
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